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Friday, June 1st, 2007
1:51 pm - where the rippling waters go
Went camping. It was very beautiful. We camped between two huge cliffs filled with blossoming mountain laurel and holly. A stream pools beneath a large rock and it's filled with fish. The land is full of caves and secret wells of water. When we woke the next morning there were deer tracks all through our camp. I found the secret wells, I dug myself into every cave I could find. I baptized myself in the pooling spring water so cold it turned my skin red.

Then why am I still so sad? That experience makes me want to be alone. I want to be there alone. My heart aches to be there as I type. With no one. I'm turning off so strange these days. I lose everything. I lost a cup of coffee just to realize it was in my hand the whole time. Why am I not refreshed and charged? Why am I drained?

No answer.

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Friday, May 11th, 2007
1:15 pm - and so I recover from the bloody accident of falling off the learning curve
Even though I've not been doing many LJ related graphics of late I have certainly been putting my energies into becoming a well rounded photoshopper. Sure, it's been a lot of sketchy things here and there but what keeps me from actually jumping in full throttle is the fact that my HTML knowledge doesn't exist. So I've been looking into how things operate on graphics sites. I think I have finally cracked enough code to actually make my own website. Now isn't that a scary thought.

I want to start domain shopping. Geocities and angelfire is not going to work. I want to find an actual provider without having to pay assloads of money. I also want something professional without 25 ads blocking up my junk. I want to have an internet place that is all my own by my own making where I can blog and provide graphics, the whole nine.

I think I have enough info to get something off the ground and this excites me. For I would like to do this for a living instead of wiping asses as appealing as that may be. But then again it's just a fun hobby and if I do it for a living it might start feeling like a job. Then I might lose interest. But ah well, learning at least is never a bad thing.

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Monday, April 2nd, 2007
10:51 pm - I don't hate you because you're fat, you're fat because I hate you
The last few days have been extremely quiet. I found that rather odd. Well, last night as we were bedding down we discovered that the entire neighborhood was alight with police cars and screaming sirens. Well mind you that we DIDN'T hear the sirens until we actually noticed the lights. It turns out that there was terrible crash that woke my parents it was so brutally loud and police cars were screaming and tearing ass through the neighborhood for a good half hour before we even noticed. Now we're a bunch of paranoid hillbillies out through here and to not notice three cops parked in our drive was a little alarming.

Then I come to find out that a dear friend was in horrible car crash a couple days before that. THEN I come to find out that another friend had her car stolen, stripped, and sold to a junk yard by a couple of people whom she thought to be her best friends. Wow. It makes me never want to get in a car again and have my hearing/motor skills checked.

But in other news I discovered the beauty of a movie entitled "Mean Girls". Yes it's a teen movie. Yes it stars Lindsey Lohan. But I have to respect a movie where a snotty blond bitch calls her friends' mother pretending to be planned parenthood just to have a chance at her boyfriend. Not as good as "Heathers" but it was almost in the ballpark. My subject line is also derived from said movie.

Now for a shock to your brain. Jennifer, I found this for you and you only:

Spock/Kirk gets me closer to God...Collapse )

current mood: blank

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Thursday, March 22nd, 2007
1:00 pm - a sleepless mind in his heart and an insatiable personality
Days are ticking by again. Go here, hurry there. I'm so trapped and spent and thirsting for something else. I find myself reading more and more. Anything to experience something. To go everywhere and nowhere at once. I'm longing. One word that sums up my life, longing. I find myself longing the keenest when I am happiest in life. Where have I heard that before? It seems so long ago that I understood these things. I'm finding religious philosophy in making toast. I understand my bedroom to be a holy temple. I see the pulse and movement of everything just beneath the skin.

God is everywhere, speaking to me. In rushed whispers or roaring winds, when I log on or pick up a book. And I feel so numb to it all somehow. I can't explain. I know that whatever I am doing right now I'm meant to be doing this. I'm meant to be feeling this and numbness. There are so few people I can explain this to. I can talk with B. about this and he does understand but in a different way. He starts speaking of the "Holy Ghost" and how hard it is to "live that life". I beg to differ. The "life" lives you. When light is shining all around and finally your eyes can see it that is so threatening and profound. But I guess in a way he's completely right too. I could choose not to see this, I could cover this over with a thousand different dramas like usual.

Or I could choose to let go of all this self pity and stop blaming everyone else. It doesn't matter who is to blame because nothing matters against this light, nothing at all but everything at the same time. Everything matters in such a new way. You see this is why I never struggle with whether or not atonement is real, whether or not I'm pagan or christian. Because in the end the only question is will you let it go? Will you serve the Living God by losing yourself completely and becoming yourself more than you ever have? And this is how I know God is real. He is the God of the Hunt, She is the Mother of us all. He is the love of Christ, She is the Holy Spirit.

And even this shadow of myself that I am I look around and all I can say is "holy, holy, holy".

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Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
6:41 pm - dead cat on the highway
Someone ran over my mother's cat today. So she calls me in to dispose of the body. It was horrible. I write about this because I've never seen something this disturbing and I have to get it out of my mind somehow.

It was nothing like the usual. You know, strings of meat and bone, severed torso, blood everywhere. I can handle that, that's what I expect to see. There was very little blood. The cat was totally normal and still warm. When I turn it over it's entire jawbone had been cracked and extracted from it's face, sticking out of the cheeks in a grotesque way like a baby kangaroo sticks out of it's mother's pouch. And everything else was normal including the eyes. It looked like a character from Hellraiser.

I love(d) this cat and I'm trying not to associate it with the horror I saw today and that's why I'm talking about it in such a direct manner.


I'm sorry for the eyesore here but it was too much to carry around.

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Monday, March 5th, 2007
9:08 pm - strange
You know there's this way I imagine things should turn out then there's reality. Sometimes I wonder if it would be just too hard for anyone to see from my perspective. But alas, you can never anticipate what another human will do.

Well I totally wasted today. I downloaded some really wonderful photoshop brushes though that I can transform anyone into a rotting corpse with. I tried it on myself, it's the best thing since sliced bread. If anyone would like a zombie of themselves let me know.

See what I mean, totally totally wasted but fun. Look for return of the Angie soon.

Visited with some peeps sunday. Found out some really interesting shit then soon after discarded it. I just had to mention since I barely see my own reflection. Living the true vampire life lately. It was good to get out and I plan on more excursions as the weather ripens. Maybe I'll graduate to from rare to moderate telephone use soon.

Nothing much else to report. I await a bombshell dropped by B. to create some nuclear fallout with his fam. I just hope I'm never a topic. It's kind of interesting standing in the middle of war zone, guilty by association it seems.

But my steaks await and Killswitch is begging to be played.

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Saturday, March 3rd, 2007
12:19 am - fuck you you fucking fuckers
God I'm feeling catty tonight.

Today was a total total disaster. 8 hours wasted in town to be treated like a common criminal by a doctor. I've never hated drug addicts more than I do right now. Smoke some weed you idiots and leave the rest of the populace alone. Ignorance is actually the gateway drug.

But I did see someone wearing a shirt that said "fuck you you fucking fuckers" and that livened me up a bit.

In other doctor related news I'm going to the fat clinic. Yes, I'm going to lose twenty pounds before summer or I'll cut it off with a butchering knife. I don't really feel at home in my own body anymore. I get all of this "don't lose weight just to keep a man" from my mom. Ha. The only thing that would be lost in that scenario would be "the man". The best way to find a good partner is to do it when you're grossly obese then you'll know what they're there for.

I have truly been a bitch today. My favorite part was telling a doctor exactly what I think of him. But then on the flip side I've been dealing with an extremely catty man. So that's probably what's fueling me. I also sent the most beautiful bulletin I've ever sent out on myspace and I'm laughing now just thinking about it. I wonder how many friends I'll have left tomorrow. Such is internet.

I've been reading pretty heavily on some Anne Rice vampire chronicles but alas, I don't have any funds for the next book in the series. I'm saving up to not be fat anymore. Books or ass... ass or books... damn that's a hard choice.

On the video gaming front B. has completed Snake Eater for the 8th time and now has the EZ Gun. Nothing left to attain on that one and it saddens me. I LOVE that game so furiously. We're going to acquire a PS3 when the new Metal Gear is on shelves. It features all the old characters (including Raiden and not in a joke this time) we're pretty stoked for that. I was just pondering today... why are all the evil characters in newer games homosexual? Well I guess that doesn't count for the Snake/Ocelot situation to which I am a slave. Ocelot is hands down my favorite character, he's so annoying he's lovable *useless hand gesture here*.

I'm trying to figure out a way to get my hands on Twilight Princess. Nita, do you have it? Is it available yet? I hate humanity so much right now that trips to town are limited to 30 minute intervals and game stop is out of the question.

So it's on to work tomorrow. Bleh. But hey, at least it's only two days a week right? I hope to jesus that one of my clients is taking a respite trip. She leaned on the dryer door last week and broke it, it was fixed, then bam, she leans on it again. So now it's jerry-rigged with a broom propped against the fridge. The plus side is that she can't steal food out of the fridge now. I have two homes and two sets of kids. At least I get paid for going to one of them.

I'm staying up as late as I can handle tonight. It's better if I go to work tired, I'm nicer for some reason.

current mood: bitchy

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Thursday, January 11th, 2007
2:19 pm
Everything that could possibly get on my nerves is happening today.

I can't move.
I can't breathe.
I can't fart without hearing a bitchfest about it.

I'm going to wrap my children in duct tape and throw them in a closet.

I'm going to break my own legs so I don't have to do anything.

I'm going to pack all my shit so all this space can be used for something "important".

I'm also going to blow very very soon.

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Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
7:52 pm - school night
School Night
"What kind of scale,
Compares the weight of two beauties,
The gravity of duties,
Or the ground-speed of joy,
Tell me what of gage,
Can quantify elation,
What kind of equation,
Could I possibly employ?"

When I choose one over the other can the person left behind ever realize what a mess of a choice that is? Can that person see and understand what obligation and joy weigh? Does the same scale fit both? And how to I draw happiness into this equation?

I've had to add all pros and cons, divide that by 'benefit of doubt' and how far we've all progressed in our acceptance of love. And where the lines are drawn. And how far you can overstep those bounds.

The answer is you can't. Respect rules everything else out and how I can respect myself and other people when I allow them to rule me?

And what if respect equals love?

But I was never good at algebra and I was never good at being a friend.

Until I keep to my lessons I fear these choices will always cut me in two.

current mood: cold

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Thursday, October 19th, 2006
2:30 pm - Cat Astrology
Cat Astrology:

Guesstimate the month your cat was born. Or you can just read the result and see what best fits your cat.

January 23-February 22:
A cat with interests that change with every wind. Have plenty of different toys ready and give it a tourmaline as a charm.

February 23-March 22:
A cat that refuses to interact with most people other than its human companion. This creature likes to remain aloof and enigmatic. Give it a malachite as a charm.

April 23-May 22:

A cat that loves to play with brightly colored objects and demands a great deal of human affection to be content. Give it a lapis charm.

May 23-June 22:
A loving cat, one prone to whims and changing demeanor. This cat cannot be "owned" by anyone. Give it a piece of coral for a charm.

June 23-July 22:
A terminally faithful homebody that is perfectly content to remain in one place its entire life. Give it a moonstone as a charm.

July 23-August 22:
A very territorial cat that must rule the roost. Befitting this cat's regal demeanor, give it a white diamond as a charm.

August 23-September 22:

A very clean, neat, and fastidious cat that will stop to wash itself at the first sign of dirt. Give this cat a rose quartz charm.

September 23-October 22:
A cat that wants lots of attention and will not take well to other cats competing for your time. Give it a blue topaz as a charm.

October 23-November 22:
A perfect cat for a familiar, this creature has incredible instincts. It is also very jealous. Give it a black pearl for a charm.

November 23-December 22:
A gypsy spirit surrounded by fur with wanderlust in its soul. Yet this cat can be very devoted if allowed to wander freely. Give it a jade charm.

December 23-January 22:

A cat that likes a place for everything and everything it its place. Too many changes disrupt this cat's demeanor until it settles back in. Give it an agate charm.

I think I currently have one Leo cat and one Virgo cat.

Tractor, the kitty love of my life, was Sagittarius.

Boy, they come up with astrology for everything don't they?

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Monday, October 2nd, 2006
7:06 am - gentle on the surface of his thoughts his body floats...
With pale september gone I find myself inadvertantly in a really good place.

It seems everything I hoped for in the recent weeks has come to pass.

Drama is settled, friends are still friends, and my love has somehow chosen me.
Yeah, no ear-splitting angsty lj drabble believe it or not.

My dogs are healthy, I'm getting a new cage for my ferret, my fish are swimming and my snails are having sex all day instead of cleaning the tank...

It seems everyone is satisfied for a bit so I'm trying to recoup and find a little strength for whatever battle lies ahead.

Or maybe I shouldn't think that way. Maybe I should just accept that things are fine and revel in it.

I'll try a good mixture of both and see what pans out.

current mood: calm

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Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
9:56 pm
You Are 66% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

Well I hope that answers any questions about why I do what I do...

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Monday, August 21st, 2006
3:15 pm - life is an uphill funeral
C.S. Lewis was certainly right when he said grief is God's megaphone for rousing a deaf world.

My world is no longer deaf. My eyes are no longer dark. Everything comes through in such an aching clarity all I can do is hold onto the moments for dear life.

I feel like all the pain I've suffered, all the pain I've suffered other people is coming a very large head. Now I must face it. I, too, am psyche.

Of all the horrible closet monsters and nightmares in the end the most horrifying thing is looking into that mirror.

What have I said? What did I really mean to say? What was my heart longing for all along that my nature corrupted?

All of my childish efforts were wasted and yet again I'm back at nothing.

I am ready for the fire of the holy spirit, I am ready for the water of God.

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Monday, August 14th, 2006
7:05 pm
Well, it's time yet again to GIVETH THY NAMES!!! Or whatever the hell you have to do to befriend me on myspace.

Yes, I did it. The one who naysayed myspace for eternity and now I've given in to the man and created a myspace. But it's so complicated!


But I guess if I'm going to be friends with Leigh Nash I have to have a myspace account...

So, oh yeah GIVETH THY NAMES if I haven't found you yet.

current mood: devious

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Monday, August 7th, 2006
12:58 pm
Sometimes life just makes this big funny loop. It loops and twists all around you and you have no control over it. It's a system of ups and downs. You get so far up and then the law of gravity states you must come down. And the higher you get the harder you fall.

I opened my eyes
while you were kissing me once
More than once
And you looked as sincere
As a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does
When it's the food on your lips
With which it's in love...

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Friday, July 28th, 2006
2:37 pm
I am crazy with animals right now.

Not only do I have a ferret and three dogs but someone made me an offer I couldn't refuse so now I have FOUR dogs. Yep, a little basset named Sebastian has infiltrated and is driving my ferret insane with happiness.

She finally has someone to play with.

fuzzy furry floppy love...Collapse )

current mood: AWWWWW

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Friday, June 30th, 2006
10:02 am
'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Never again to witness them taking manhattan...

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Thursday, June 29th, 2006
10:54 am
Your Deadly Sins
Envy: 40%
Sloth: 40%
Greed: 20%
Wrath: 20%
Gluttony: 0%
Lust: 0%
Pride: 0%
Chance You'll Go to Hell: 17%
You will die in a duel.

So for anyone concerned that I'm dangerous, I'm just jealous about how dangerous other people are.

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Saturday, June 24th, 2006
7:06 pm
I've been compiling some ani difranco.

I have to say that "everest" is a beautiful song.

(brought to you by: ani hypnosis projeck)

current mood: bored

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Monday, June 19th, 2006
3:00 pm
Once I had the most beautiful cat in existence. Her name was Tractor because my kids thought she was as exalted as papaw's beloved john deer. She loved me (and everyone) with every breath. Tractor left one day and just never came home. I like to fantasize that she's sprawled on someone's keyboard while they're trying to type somewhere out in the universe.

And I never stop checking that shadow between the crack of the front door.

Maybe someday.

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